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Below are the 16 most recent journal entries recorded in
iamgringa's LiveJournal:
| Saturday, November 6th, 2010 | | 10:35 am |
you have to want it
I don't normally make journal posts unless I'm feeling particularly moved by something. So today I woke up feeling really grateful for those who've made an impact on my life, whether good or bad, it shaped me into the motivated person I am today. All I want to do is help teens who are stuck in a bad place like I was, so if you're one of those people who feel like you have no hope for your future and want to give up, listen up for a second please. Let me start off by telling you a little about myself and the situation I was in. When I started high school it was almost like someone took my world and flipped it upside down, nothing made sense. I suffered through a debilitating anxiety disorder that sent me into panic attacks when I even tried to do something simple like walk through the halls in school. This caused me to not go to school, the absences added up, credits were lost and so was hope. I spiraled into a deep depression where it became so bad I couldn't even manage to get out of bed and leave my room. I turned to trying to self medicate myself, I was prescribed medication after medication and noone knew I was abusing them. I turned into a monster, when I look back on that time I don't know who I was, its kind of like some demon was living in me for a while. I did awful, unforgiveable things to my friends and family, lost my best friend because of it. In turn, my mother lost herself to because of my actions she relapsed after a 30 year sobriety. Things were a mess, I had noone to turn to and these thoughts in my head to end my life for good would not leave me alone. Id be watching tv and all I could think about was literally getting a shotgun and shooting myself in the head. I get so emotional thinking about how bad I actually felt. Noone should ever have to feel like that, especially not at 17. The thoughts wouldn't leave me alone no matter how hard I tried, they haunted me. Finally I decided this was it...I'm gonna fucking do it. In my head that was the only solution to my depression. So one night while my mom was sleeping I emptied out our medicine cabinet, emptying every single bottle of pills we had and swallowed them all down. Not once did it cross my mind maybe I shouldn't be doing this. I got into my bed and cried myself until I eventually passed out from the pills. Guess what happened next? I fucking woke up in the morning! I was so so angry, I couldn't believe it, there was an angel looking over me that night. Obviously I was still completely out of it and my mother noticed because I couldn't stand up without falling to the ground so she called 911. They rushed me to the emergency room to pump my stomach and they were worried my heart wasn't going to be able to handle everything in my system and it would stop. After they got me into a stable position they sent me over to the psychiatric hospital where I spent two weeks until I was transferred to another psych hospital in pennsylvania. The whole time I was just wishing that I would have just died like I intended on, it would have made everything so much easier for everyone I thought. I was just going to do it and succeed when I got home anyways! So now that you know where I was let me tell you where I am. I'm a senior in high school, joined the army, getting straight as, have a wonderful supportive best friend maria, and I've never been happier. This is the part where I tell you how everything changed. You have to want to get better, you don't have to you need to or you're going to be stuck forever. I was so caught up in feeling sorry for myself I didn't even try to make a change in my life. You need to sit down and really think deep about what you can do in life. You're so fucking young, the world is literally in the palm of your hands. Make a change, start off small, join a gym. If you have substabce abuse issues start going to meetings, you'll notice you will start slowly feeling good about yourself. Find something you're passionate about and pursue it. Where there is passion, there is happiness. Everyone is put on this earth for a reason and its up to you to figure out what your reason is. There is one, I promise you. Just please don't give up the fight, you're worth so much more than you think and with some determination I promise you will get to a place that makes you happy. It may take you a while but you'll get there, and let me tell you once you get there it is so worth it and you will never ever turn back to where you were. Please keep hanging on. Things do get better. If you ever need someone to talk to, vent to, or even tell jokes to please don't hesitate to message me. I want to help you, you deserve it. | | Thursday, September 2nd, 2010 | | 5:39 pm |
my sweet jamaican princess sent me a letter today
Hey sam, Thank you for write me I so happy when I get your litter. I miss you so much sam I hope come home soon back to brideport. I promise call when I come home. Can't wake to see you sam you like my sister I love you so much sam send me picture with you I can't wake to see you. I hat kidspeace it fucking boreding. I wish you hear to talk to me sam I miss you so so so so so so much I talk about you everyday how much I miss you. You be my friend when you read the bible to me I don't have a roomat so I have to read the bible by my self. I hope I see you soon I love you sister can't wake to henout and have fun with you sam and your friend sarah. And sara have a pretty girl baby so cute. Can't wake to send you a picture. Send me a cd sam. Good bye sammy love you so much write me back sam love claudine ...munchie... I have a boyfriend in kidspeace name brian so cute and bad..I love his sexy body omg so sexy. Me and my boyfriend from home bark up. I sad every day I hope I go home soon. I love you sam can wake to see you agen I miss you so bad love you baby love | | Tuesday, June 15th, 2010 | | 10:08 pm |
| | Saturday, March 20th, 2010 | | 3:32 am |
| | Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010 | | 4:48 pm |
| | Sunday, February 21st, 2010 | | 12:54 pm |
| | Wednesday, January 6th, 2010 | | 6:57 am |
ch ch ch check it out this is just a rough draft pretty much, but I BE STARTING TO MAKE THEM BEATS YALL, SO WATCH OUT CAUSE SKITTLE IS COMING FOR YOU. | | Monday, December 21st, 2009 | | 4:08 pm |
| | Saturday, December 12th, 2009 | | 12:04 am |
is it just me or does everyone suck lately? | | Saturday, September 19th, 2009 | | 10:48 am |
| | Friday, September 18th, 2009 | | 10:39 pm |
| | Tuesday, July 14th, 2009 | | 4:38 pm |
| | Tuesday, June 30th, 2009 | | 11:56 pm |
be kinder than necessary cause everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. | | Wednesday, June 10th, 2009 | | 9:17 pm |
| | Monday, June 8th, 2009 | | 10:56 pm |
| | Wednesday, December 17th, 2008 | | 10:47 pm |
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